Title: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Getting Laid on Gallifrey
Summary: The Gallifreyan Kama Sutra is a very short book.
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: The BBC is generally in charge here. Plus, some kind of apology to the ghost of Douglas Adams is due.
Notes: As usual, Branwyn is the world's greatest beta.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Getting Laid on Gallifrey
by LizBee

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about Gallifrey:

Gallifrey: an inhospitable planet in the Kasterbourous Cluster. Lacking any attractive geography, the inhabitants had nothing better to do than become the first race in the universe to invent time travel. Having become the masters of time and space, they turned their attention to inventing bureaucracy, ugly architecture and bad fashions.

Hitchhikers rarely find their way to Gallifrey. This is generally not considered a great loss.


"Pretty, you said?" The Doctor squinted at K9. "Are your circuits crossed."

"Negative, master." K9's ear sensors twirled in irritation. "My circuits are functioning normally."

"You said Romana was pretty, back on Zanak. You're not programmed with aesthetics." He gave K9 a suspicious look. "Has that girl been messing about with your innards again?"

"Negative. I was stating a commonly recognised fact."

The Doctor hunched down and looked K9 in the eye-sensor.

"K9," he said, "Romana might be pretty. She might even be beautiful, I suppose. But really, old boy, it's not polite to say so like that."

In accordance with Behavioural Subroutine Twelve, K9 hung his head.

"There," said the Doctor, "there's no need to carry on like that. A quick upgrade of your etiquette programming will have it all fixed."


The related book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to Getting Laid Anywhere in the Galaxy (Megadodo Publications, available from all good retailers) reports:

Gallifrey. Well. Best not to bother, really.

According to legend, Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six, attempted to seduce the Lord President of Gallifrey. The resulting blow to her ego precipitated her third and penultimate retirement.


"You and the Doctor," said Professor Rumford, "good friends, are you?"

Romana looked up from her measurements. She considered herself quite good at talking to natives, but she suspected there were hidden layers in the professor's question. She was suddenly inclined to resent the Doctor for leaving her alone with the primitives.

She decided that for the moment, she would take the question at face value.

"I suppose you could call us that," she said.

Professor Rumford raised her eyebrows.

Having been raised by properly trained professionals in the Childhood Centres on Gallifrey – where children were kept carefully out of sight until they could take part in a civilised discussion, or their thirtieth birthday, whichever came first – Romana had no direct experience of maternal concern. But she'd read about it, and she suddenly had a pretty good idea of what it looked like.

She hastened to add, "It's a working relationship, really. A – a post-graduate study, if you like."

"Ah." Rumford went back to sketching a primitive carving. "What's his area again?"

"Both eclectic and obscure," Romana muttered.

Rumford stood up and watched her work for a few minutes. Then, rather kindly, she patted Romana on the shoulder.

"He's a bit old for you, dear," she said.

And crazy, Romana thought. But she was beginning to get an idea of what Rumford was alluding to, and it was too, too primitive for words.


According to the Encyclopedia Galactica:

Courtship, Gallifreyan. Although they are not a naturally libidinous species, the Time Lords do in fact have sexual urges. They just don't like to admit it, for fear that, were this to become common knowledge, it would give rise to lewd jokes involving elaborate headgear, objects being larger on the inside than out, and the erotic potential of temporal paradoxes. (Polite beings generally ensure that, if they must tell such jokes, they do so when the Time Lords are out of earshot.)

(The erotic potential of temporal paradoxes is in fact quite limited, but people will insist on trying.)

Time Lords have a highly complex courtship system which can (and usually does) take decades. At least.


"I must say," said Romana, "these humans of yours are terribly quaint."

"'Quaint'?" The Doctor gave her a wide-eyed look. "They're going to be the dominant species in this section of the universe, and you call them quaint?"

"Well," said Romana, "they are."

They were, at that moment, sitting in a village pub. The Third Segment was safe in Romana's pocket, and she privately thought they should be getting back to the TARDIS, but the Doctor had said something about introducing her to the local culture and getting a snack. She only hoped that he wasn't going to try giving her a tour. The probability that it wouldn't end in disaster seemed depressingly low.

"You might as well call them 'cute'," he said.

Romana sighed inwardly and started constructing her arguments. "Do you know there are whole regions of this planet that aren't self-sustaining?"

"Terrible word, cute," the Doctor said. "Isn't that right, K9?"

"Unable to say, Master," said K9. He was under the table, his voice muffled by the scarf that concealed him. "Insufficient context."

"I can see there's no point in this conversation," said Romana. "You won't hear a word of it anyway."

"Well," said the Doctor, "you would say that. You were clearly about to lose the argument."

Romana raised her eyebrows and held her tongue. Instead, she turned to watch the natives at play. And found that at least one was watching her with equal interest.

Eye contact apparently amounted to an invitation, because the young man stood up and strode over.

Romana listened with some interest to his conversation. One didn't encounter such an unbridled masculinist ego-centred personality everyday. At least, not on any of the planets she frequented. At one point she snuck a look at the Doctor. He was leaning back, staring at nothing in particular and humming under his breath.

He was, she thought, trying not to laugh.

"So," her admirer said at last, "how about it?"

"I..." She fumbled for words. "I think not," she said. And, with what she hoped was a suitably haughty expression, she rose to her feet and added, "I've had enough of this planet for now, Doctor."

"What? Oh, right. Come on, K9."

Romana sensed the young man watching them walk away, but she didn't look back.

"You see?" she said to the Doctor as they returned to the TARDIS. "Primitive."

"Oh," he said, "I don't know. He seemed to have rather sophisticated taste."

With a sinking feeling, Romana realised she was going to spend at least the next five years wondering whether or not that was a compliment.


From The Intergalactic Guide to Rare Books and Data-objects:

Novice collectors may find themselves in search of
The Gallifreyan Kama Sutra. They needn't waste their time. This book is believed to be a hoax, a false record inserted into an early version of the Meta-Universal Library's catalogue, probably by student Time Lords. (Or so it is assumed, from the way the record simply appeared one day, right where it had always been.)

The Gallifreyan Kama Sutra does exist, we may assume it is a very short book.


"You know," said Romana thoughtfully. "I'm beginning to think that university left me seriously under-prepared for the real universe."

"Only beginning?" the Doctor asked.

"The evidence is becoming overwhelming."

They were, at that moment, hiding in a cave. Somewhere outside, a tribe of carnivorous aliens were seeking them. And it was raining.

Romana put her head on the Doctor's shoulder.

"It's terribly exciting, though," she said.

"Keeps the hearts beating."

"If I don't get eaten," Romana said, "I shall lobby extremely hard to have some changes made to the curriculum at home."

"Some would say that trying to effect change on Gallifrey is a useless battle," said the Doctor. Romana gave him a sidelong look. "Not me," he added quickly. "I never met a useless battle I didn't like."

Romana smiled and took his hand. "Yes," she said. "I suppose it's why we have so much fun together."