crossover-parody: Voyager, BtVS,
AtS, in-jokes, insanity
rated: D for deranged. Also
PG-13. Slashiness follows.
notes: For Adam, who's jumping ship
and deserting the world of fandom.
characters: not mine. Theirs.
"Is that our bus?" asked Buffy.
"I guess," said Dawn.
"'Fanfic's End Busways,'" read Willow.
"This is it. These muses are outta here, all bitter and depleted-like."
"Yeah, let's blow this popsicle stand,"
"I could really go for a popsicle,"
"Oh!" Anya said, "remember the time
you filled a condom with water and stuck it in the freezer--"
"Stop!" everyone else yelled.
The bus driver lowered her sunglasses
and glared at them. "Look, are you people getting onboard, or not?"
The Scooby Gang (and various hangers-on,
love interests, recurring characters and groupies) took one last look around
the Hellmouth they'd loved so much, and then boarded the bus to the great
big fandom in the sky.
"I get a window seat!" Spike called.
"What about the sunshiney-burning-uppie-thingie?"
Angel leaned over, taking a moment
to admire his reflection in the window. "Canon doesn't count in metafic."
"Some of us never bothered with canon
at all," said Kathryn Janeway. She waved a thermos. "Coffee?"
"Mocha?" asked Willow.
"You think I'd drink mocha?"
"Well, I wasn't asking you to eat
babies, you know."
"Mmmm," crooned Drusilla, "babies,
all sweet and powdery. Squeal like pigs when you rip their throats
"Like little hors-d'oeurvres!" said
Harmony. "Like, you know, sausages in buns. Not that I would
*ever* eat them, 'cos, hello? Cholesterol much? But
they're kind of like little babies, y'know?"
"Miss Edith speaks out of turn,"
Drusilla murmured, and staked Harmony.
"Hey!" called Cordelia, "could we
*not* get vamp dust in my new leather jacket?"
"Why did I ever leave you?" wondered
"You didn't, sweetness," said Dru.
"I left you, all alone, no one but the Slayer for company."
"These brushes with reality," said
the Host, "never much fun, are they? And speaking of reality -- *love*
the hair. Encounter with a Clairol demon?"
"Ah. A vamp with classic taste."
"Actually, Spike," Buffy said, "I've
how *do* you do your hair? I mean, with the whole
"Oh, I've been doing it," said Dawn.
"I'll overlook the fact that this
is a *vampire*, not a Barbie doll
but what did he do before you existed?"
"I did it," said Angel, "back in
Sunnydale, when Spike was in the wheelchair. I'd give him a dye job,
and he'd give me a --" He broke off when he noticed the horrified stares
of everyone around him. "What? I was evil! It doesn't
count if you're evil!"
"No," said Cordy slowly, "I really
think it does."
"There's a mental image I'm not happy
to be seeing," said Gunn.
Fred shrieked and scuttled up the
back to write DS9 slash.
"I think it's kind of sexy," said
Anya. "I mean, two hot guys
well, one hot guy, one gaunt and interesting
guy, a lot of hair gel
"Anya," said Xander slowly.
"But you said that *you* wouldn't
"Numfar!" someone yelled, "do the
dance of homoerotic subtext!"
"Oh no," said the Host, as a plump
little man did a funny dance through the aisle.
"Oh no," said everyone else, as a
naked Talaxian followed him.
"Neelix," said Janeway, "what did
I tell you about gratuitous nudity?"
"To keep my clothes on, except in
the interests of cheap laughs?"
"And what did I tell you about *dancing*
Buffy threw herself into the seat
next to Janeway. "So. How'd *you* end up on the bus to fandom
"My show finished. Plus, the
writers could never agree on what archetype I was supposed to represent,
so I ended up being completely inconsistent."
"Gee," said Xander, "I'm glad I never
had that problem."
" said Willow.
In the very last row, Joss When,
Brannon Braga and God were playing poker.
"Okay," said Joss, "I'll see your
and raise you a Hannigan."
"You're bluffing," said Brannon.
"How do you know?" asked God.
"How do you know he's not?"
I am omniscient," He said.
is Joss bluffing?"
"Man is not ready for that knowledge."
"Fine," said Brannon, "I'll raise
you a Blalock."
"A Blalock?" said Joss, "bad enough
that you wrote Mission Impossible 2, but you're trying to pass bad actors
"Okay, fine," said Brannon.
"Jeri Ryan. And that's my best offer."
"Uh, Brannon?" said God, "I hate
to say this, but Jeri's one of mine, now."
The others stared at him. Then
Brannon said, "David E. Kelley is God?"
"Yup. And God is David E. Kelley.
And Jeri Ryan is mine."
"That sucks," said Brannon.
"Get thee behind me, Satan."
"Numfar!" someone down the front
yelled, "do the dance of fanfic's end!"
oh, sorry. I'll
be back." Joss moved down the front to do his dance.
As soon as he was gone, Brannon and
God both stole a peak at his cards.
He was holding five aces.
Copyright © 2001 Elizabeth M.
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